New Piracy Law To Increase Punishments

Everyone knows piracy threatens our way of life and today the wise fathers of the Roman Senate passed new laws closing loopholes that have been handicapping our law enforcement agents. Until today the penalty for piracy has been death by crucifixion—a penalty many believe has done little to dissuade sea ferrying banditry. This injustice was noted by the government’s top philosopher Annius Mella “This is a complex issue but the largest contributing factor seems to be the inability to kill someone more than once.”

When the bill passed unanimously in the senate many were seen giving each other high fives and “bro hugs”. Their victory will allow local magistrates to sentence pirates with consecutive death sentences—a necessary punishment for many considering the girth of those they stole from.  The controversy first began when it was discovered that pirates weren’t being punished for the quantity they stole. This perceived injustice sent shockwaves through the philosopher community as it was thought there was no way to additionally punish someone already sentenced to death.

Initial efforts focused on attempting to sentence the criminals with additional punishments in Hades. Coordinating efforts with the underworld were met with frustration however as state ambassadors have been denied exit from the land of the dead. There are currently talks of sanctions ruminating in the senate.  

The breakthrough came when an enterprising young Centurion Tiberius Gallus discovered while beating a horse that was previously thought to be dead that he could actually “re-kill” it. Gallus explains “It was amazing there I was on a Saturday beating what I thought was a dead horse when all of a sudden it started gushing blood— like a rock!”

Above: Justice

Given this discovery it was proposed that for every 150 kilograms of cargo pirated, the scurvy sea dogs will receive one additional death sentence—the chosen standard is the average weight of a person. Many opponents to the new law cry foul citing heavy lobbying from the Fraternity of Executioners, and Undertakers Union who stand to profit from the additional human slaughter and retroactive application of the new law. Furthermore representatives from the execution industry have stated repeatedly “please don’t ask us how we do it.”