Boys to Men

With spring in the air and graduation right around the corner we at SPQR NEWS thought it would be an appropriate time to discuss what for many families is an important transition—a young boy’s entry into manhood. When a boy becomes a man he acquires the right to wear the toga, and also the right to become the pater familias (head of the family)—assuming of course there are no older males. This sudden change of the social order in the household can be a little shocking to siblings or mothers not used to taking orders from their son or brother—who after all only recently sprouted face pubes.

Pictured: Your new lord and master

First let me assure the more anxious readers—fear is a natural and healthy reaction. The 16 year old boy MAN who just inherited absolute power over you may decide to sell you into slavery to pay off his debts or kill you—for honor’s sake. SPQR News feels compelled to remind you what constitutes an assault on the pater familias’ honor:

 Disobeying his direct commands, coitus without consent (his), speaking to/of him with a foul tongue, attempting to poison his food, attempted patricide, misplacing your poisonous snakes in his sheets, rickrolling, too much salt or hiring mercenaries to extract vengeance—these will all end with your public shame, inevitable destruction, and your inclusion into the damnāte.

Scientists have reported that in all things it is best to obey the rules and guidelines laid out by your male protector and pater familias. Experts have cited the reason for this may be the noted increase in testicular size experienced by young men of this age who become the head of the household. Further study is needed to verify.