Conquest: There Is An App For That

iConquest

The controversial new iphone app “iConquest” (icon pictured left) has a new record number of downloads, but is it going too far?

The app available on the new Malus iPhone allows users to randomly select the next barbaric region of Terra to invade. The selection is completely random all a citizen has to do is shake the device and the application utilizes the iphone’s built in motion sensors to select a region of the world to pillage and plunder. Critics of the application say that randomly choosing to invade a territory of not-Rome is cruel and senseless. The makers of the app say that these comments are only made by misguided individuals who are most likely just whining pussies who were clearly hugged by their fathers.

The simple application has even ruffled some feathers in the Senate—Tribune Lucius Titianus explains “Choosing where to send our glorious armies is not something that should be left to chance— we have time honored and sacred means of diving where to unleash our murderous rage. This is an insult to our sacred chickens.”

We tried contacting a member of the Miraculous Avian Diving League of Yeoman (MADLY) but we could not get a quote from a member of the organization. A random passerby did have this to say “I’m like…all for chickens and all but…they you know…take too much time, if I go two days without plunging a sword into something then I’m just like, you know ready to go. So come on already and like make up your minds…chickens.”

For now we can’t say what impact this will have on policy but pressure is mounting from the populous to act on the massive amount of sciency data collected from the millions of users—passively choosing to destroy lives. 

The chickens were
understandably cagey on the subject

Monetary Policy Reaffirmed By Treasury Head

“The Denarii stops here” says High Priest of Saturn Tiberius Pecunus while making remarks to reporters as the Senate dispersed. Today’s agenda the question of reverting back to the gold standard a question that arguably no one is better qualified to answer then T. Pecunus. Some in the Senate believe that returning to the gold standard might ease tensions with allies and help to produce a more vibrant economy. Pecunus however is quick to point out that the current standard has served The Empire extraordinarily well for over 1000 years.

SPQR News readers well informed as you are don’t need to be reminded about the current monetary structure, but for the ignorant plebeians among our readership who have no understanding of civics and may have only come in contact with our periodical by mere accident—a brief review.

How does it feel to want?

The FEAR standard has supported our nation’s monetary system for well over 1000 years. What is the FEAR standard? That tingling on the back of your neck, that creeping suspicion that you’re going to get a pilum up the ass for reading—ANYTHING. That very same all natural and certified organic feeling is what keeps the value of "our" currency—no, you can’t have any. The primary FEAR multiplier is the ability for The Empire to take your shit by force—to put it bluntly. So when we say that you can only buy your freedom in Denarii’s we mean that if you try to pay in any other currency you will not survive. So get back to work you lazy pleb, and don’t forget—we’ll take your shit and if you don’t have any we’ll fuck you up.

The stock exchange was soaring after the meeting of our wise fathers of the great Empire had settled the issue. Analysts predict this issue won’t crop up for at least another 150 years—adjust your portfolios accordingly.

New Piracy Law To Increase Punishments

Everyone knows piracy threatens our way of life and today the wise fathers of the Roman Senate passed new laws closing loopholes that have been handicapping our law enforcement agents. Until today the penalty for piracy has been death by crucifixion—a penalty many believe has done little to dissuade sea ferrying banditry. This injustice was noted by the government’s top philosopher Annius Mella “This is a complex issue but the largest contributing factor seems to be the inability to kill someone more than once.”

When the bill passed unanimously in the senate many were seen giving each other high fives and “bro hugs”. Their victory will allow local magistrates to sentence pirates with consecutive death sentences—a necessary punishment for many considering the girth of those they stole from.  The controversy first began when it was discovered that pirates weren’t being punished for the quantity they stole. This perceived injustice sent shockwaves through the philosopher community as it was thought there was no way to additionally punish someone already sentenced to death.

Initial efforts focused on attempting to sentence the criminals with additional punishments in Hades. Coordinating efforts with the underworld were met with frustration however as state ambassadors have been denied exit from the land of the dead. There are currently talks of sanctions ruminating in the senate.  

The breakthrough came when an enterprising young Centurion Tiberius Gallus discovered while beating a horse that was previously thought to be dead that he could actually “re-kill” it. Gallus explains “It was amazing there I was on a Saturday beating what I thought was a dead horse when all of a sudden it started gushing blood— like a rock!”

Above: Justice

Given this discovery it was proposed that for every 150 kilograms of cargo pirated, the scurvy sea dogs will receive one additional death sentence—the chosen standard is the average weight of a person. Many opponents to the new law cry foul citing heavy lobbying from the Fraternity of Executioners, and Undertakers Union who stand to profit from the additional human slaughter and retroactive application of the new law. Furthermore representatives from the execution industry have stated repeatedly “please don’t ask us how we do it.”

Boys to Men

With spring in the air and graduation right around the corner we at SPQR NEWS thought it would be an appropriate time to discuss what for many families is an important transition—a young boy’s entry into manhood. When a boy becomes a man he acquires the right to wear the toga, and also the right to become the pater familias (head of the family)—assuming of course there are no older males. This sudden change of the social order in the household can be a little shocking to siblings or mothers not used to taking orders from their son or brother—who after all only recently sprouted face pubes.

Pictured: Your new lord and master

First let me assure the more anxious readers—fear is a natural and healthy reaction. The 16 year old boy MAN who just inherited absolute power over you may decide to sell you into slavery to pay off his debts or kill you—for honor’s sake. SPQR News feels compelled to remind you what constitutes an assault on the pater familias’ honor:

 Disobeying his direct commands, coitus without consent (his), speaking to/of him with a foul tongue, attempting to poison his food, attempted patricide, misplacing your poisonous snakes in his sheets, rickrolling, too much salt or hiring mercenaries to extract vengeance—these will all end with your public shame, inevitable destruction, and your inclusion into the damnāte.

Scientists have reported that in all things it is best to obey the rules and guidelines laid out by your male protector and pater familias. Experts have cited the reason for this may be the noted increase in testicular size experienced by young men of this age who become the head of the household. Further study is needed to verify.

The Ides

2055 years after the cowardly senators slew the mighty and glorious child of Venus the divine Caesar teaches us still. We remember each year the lessons taught to us by mighty Caesar: revenge, bloody, bloody revenge. Also peace, harmony and civic virtue achieved through the brutal massacre of the barbaric Gauls. If they didn’t want to be conquered they should not have worn pants—ridiculous! Remember the lesson that once was taught: peace is not leaving anyone behind to oppose you.

NEVER FORGET. Today we pay homage to the first Imperator of Rome, today we torment the souls of the conspirators. The idiotic Brutus, the envious Cassius, and the cowardly Casca, I really hate those guys. Firstly Brutus that drunken wreck once dear to Caesar is now a traitorous dog without honor whose family weeps tears of ash. Cassius, or the devil himself who after accepting rank and favor from Caesar slashed him out of jealous rage for Caesar’s heroic good looks. Casca, he’s not even worth mentioning, his name sinks everyday further into obscurity and we would do well to forget his existence all together. So drink your wine, poor your libations and thank Mars for the triumphant victory over the conspirators at Philippi by Caesar Augustus the divine.

Pictured: Betrayal

How will you mark this very solemn occasion? Will you cry hysterically pulling your hair out overcome with the grief from the great leader we've lost? Will you erect a bonfire in your neighbor’s yard pieced together from his children’s play set? Or will you pick a fight with anyone you meet with a cursed name of a conspirator? All are reasonable expressions of the justifiable grief felt by a true Roman citizen.

GO FORTH AND CONQUER !