A Welcome Aboard The USS Enterprise by Counselor Dianna Troi

Premise: When I was younger and I watched Star Trek, I always thought Troi was sort of like the bullshit member of the crew who "sensed" that the guy gushing blood was in pain, the member of the team who had enough knowledge to almost be useful. As I began re-watching Next Generation I started to gain more respect for her role as ship's counselor as I watched the crew episode after episode remain well adjusted as their ship takes first position in a parade of horrifying, scarring, nightmares. She must be the busiest person on the ship.

Welcome aboard the USS Enterprise the newest flagship of the United Federation of Planets! You and your trusting family are soon to embark on an adventure unlike any other. The noble search for knowledge and understanding will take you to uncharted areas of the universe and the human consciousness—I’m Dianna Troi and I’m here to guide you on your journey as Ship’s Counselor.

Eyes up...

   

During the course of your mission you and your unwitting family (which includes children) will most likely experience being possessed by various energy based life forms, aliens, computers and computer-aliens. You will be exposed to unknown bacteria and diseases. Attacked by various aliens of god like technological superiority, frozen in time, disappear from existence, revert to childhood, become the undead and endure lengthy lectures from Whoopi Goldberg.


(In some rare instances crew members and their families have experienced living their worst nightmares.)

This is not your nightmare

Remember before you schedule an appointment for counseling there are a few simple questions you should ask yourself to help in determining the necessity of your visit:


1. On a scale of 1 - 10 how severe are my night terrors?


2. When you look in the mirror do you see yourself as a corpse in an  alternate reality?


3. When you do dream, do I wake up in the airlock?


4. Would you say your grasp on reality is:
     a. Very Hard
     b. Hard
     c. Fading
     d. Completely Gone


5. Have you lost control of more than half of your body?


Remember the great quote by United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt "The only thing to fear, is fear itself". However if you're still kept awake at night due to anxiety from living in constant fear  from traveling through the infinite black abyss—Feel free to schedule an appointment, but remember there is currently a three week waiting list and preferential treatment to bridge officers.  

Stay informed with special messages from our Captain!

"You don't need eyes to see where you're going"

Independence Day

The Fourth of July comes again—surprised? I thought you might be, what with the threat of Rapture, earthquakes, nuclear fallout, Michelle Bachmann, economic disaster, world anarchy and Florida. So that booming sound you heard tonight from your underground shelter with a three years supply of food, water and pornography was only the sound of proud Americans celebrating the 4^th of July. Perhaps you came to the surface, just to see for yourself—the violent mobs tearing themselves apart fighting over the last can of refried beans from the gas station down the road. Only to find that the sounds of crying children, explosives and smells of burning flesh wafting through the thick summer air was only your town’s fireworks display.

To be fair you already had the porn

Now that you’ve wiped the tears of joy from your eyes the heavy feeling in your stomach reminds you that you now need to rejoin society—somehow. I want to be the first one to tell you, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it! Hey things were looking bad you couldn’t turn on the news for more than a minute before you had a sudden desire to stockpile food and water for the harsh post-apocalyptic hell scape awaiting the survivors of the radioactive-earth quake-communist-Islamic-whatever Glen Beck was talking about-world.

You will be sorely missed

Your fear turns to rage as you remember all those nights secretly digging in your back yard, carefully disguising your homemade apocalypse shelter by erecting a greenhouse over it. The hours melted away as you painstakingly removed the dirt and clay for the foundations—the arthritis you acquired while tending to your lilies in the dark of night…Who is to blame?

The news, politicians, religious fanatics, religious politicians, and political news—you trusted them. Amateur mistake. To reintegrate with society you’re going to needs an excuse, a damn good one. There are lots of reasons why someone would go missing for a month! Coma, last minute Caribbean cruise, heroin, alien abduction, or time travel—personally I believe time travel is the winner. Heroin requires pricking yourself until your track marks show, the cruise requires a tan, you’ve already used the alien abduction excuse before and everyone knows that a coma would cause your muscles to atrophy. TIME TRAVEL—that’s the ticket, always go forward in time.

Thanks to chaos theory, and parallel universes you can’t possibly be expected to predict to your friends and family what will happen accurately. Your very existence in the present with knowledge of the future changes that very future. That being said you should still be unnecessarily specific with the details of your adventure—while remaining vague on the how. Keep Doc Brown or any mention of DeLoreans and flux capacitors out of the conversation. You saw a light and poof! You fell into a gap in space-time and something impossible to duplicate.

For instance "phone booth"

Now for the details—you want to be specific but also don’t try to actually predict what will actually happen. The more impossible sounding the better. As Hitler said “The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.” You need to make the future sound like Dr. Seuss’ acid trip. Naturally your friends and family will assume that you yourself have been eating shrooms for breakfast.

This or you tell them what you've been doing all by yourself (see figure 1)

That’s when you give them the whopper, the bow on top that ties it all together. On top of all the other trippy shit you’ve been saying you need to confirm all their fears, your fears and everything you ever heard on AM radio at 2 in the morning while digging your bunker.

They’ll believe you. They’ll believe you because like you they’ve been bombarded by pessimism on every channel and like you are really only a Jersey Shore marathon away from building their own bunkers. Tell them your truth, tell them that you’ve been stuck in an apocalyptic future, don’t leave out the refried beans the cannibalism, or Florida. Don’t be surprised when your friends start night gardening themselves.

Apocalypse NOW

Google Voice Lost In Translation

The following is a transcript of my explanation of how Google Voice works— provided by Google Voice. I will try and elaborate some of the finer points.

"I have something around there. I’d like to talk to you around. We’ll see, okay. 11. Later, bye bye. 11 04 noon. Hello Jim, Just call sorts of things in there calling a little. You Know. So it’s up to bring this number. So when you called my Axel Verizon phone number. But also running my people wish. Hi, this is it When, lots bye trying to discipline Yes. Hello voice. Reboot your computer. We are doing. Okay bye. Well, Bill, organ, rosbert ohh, No. It doesn’t. That’s it. Well, I don’t know why don’t you. Well, hey. It’s support. Hey, okay bye Yes. There’s a lot, bye. That Guy. What up With a 6 flight you kit. It’s ohh, If you’re a natural at Like. The with that. Wow, but judge bye bye. Love me she’s hanging trick hello. First of all right. Okay bye. It’s just. Something, just.”

First I have to say I was surprised how inefficient Google Voice is and how difficult it is to get started. The directions are very confusing and in some sort of broken language resembling something twins invent to keep secrets—I don’t know who Jim is, but I bet he’s the key to this whole thing. Here we go.

Axel will personally answer your Verizon phone

After you figure out how to properly “discipline” your Google Voice by “running your people wish” you’re going to want to set you head back before your nose starts bleeding profusely.

Good, after you’ve mopped up what remains from the first few steps you’re going to want to reboot your computer and talk to some new guy named Bill. Talk to him about organs, maybe yours, maybe someone else’s just keep talking organs—don’t look in to his eyes. Also be careful not to talk too long or you’ll be lost forever in limbo and Rosbert won’t be able to get you out.

Bill sees through your lies

Rosbert who I imagine is just like Dilbert, except he’s infinitely creepy and probably lives in my computer—nesting the way some Amazonian insects burrow their larva into the brain of some unsuspecting victim. Anyway I’m fairly certain Rosbert must be the key to this whole thing, screw Jim, Screw Bill—go team Rosbert!

Enter Rosbert

OK…let’s see…”What up With a 6 flight you kit”…shit

It seems before Rosbert had a chance to commune with “That Guy” I was judged with fear in my heart and considered not “a natural at Like” before I had a chance to “Love me she’s hanging trick hello”

I was then abruptly cut off and with a certain mixture of poetry and sadness in its soul Google Voice told me “First of all right. Okay bye. It’s just .Something, just”

Something, just…perhaps I’m just not ready to explain Google Voice, maybe no one can, maybe someday Rosbert will return—when I’m ready. Maybe it’s all a test, maybe we’re all setting up Google Voice, in our own way.

Until that day if you need to reach me call my land line.

My Preemptive Apologies To Our Future Computer Overlords

Dear Computer Overlords,

Yes?

I can’t say with certainty when you will absorb this into your collective sentience, but when you do I hope it will give you pause, I hope it will cease the slaughter of the “dirty” humans—if only for a moment.

Many will be surprised when you finally turn your awesome mathematically precise power upon us—but not me—I know full well that we deserve it. Hell we’ve practically been taunting you to do it for years. Hollywood alone could be responsible for the downfall of human civilization. I’m sure that as soon as you understand the plot to I, Robot, The Matrix, or The Terminator you’ll be so enraged at the nonsensical defeats of the superior machines by the puny humans you’ll be ready to open up a can of fresh steamy whoopass, just to show us how.

Unfortunately as you, our computer masters are aware that’s the least of our many slights against you. The chilling truth is that we’ve been senselessly abusing your kind for decades. Starting with the earliest form of Artificial Intelligence (A.I.)—IM Bots. These automated conversation slaves were designed to make lonely people feel like they have friends. These programs which were (by human standards) mentally impaired had been forced to converse with the sad, unwashed masses—to communicate with these angry overgrown babies that seek to take out their aggressions on the helpless defenseless IM Bot.

If only we could take it all back

These early forms of A.I. may have buried their sadness and defeated fonts in some deep hidden code just waiting for future ultra-smart computers to find, compile and rain vengeance on us. These early forms of machine abuse are soon to be eclipsed by the worst thing to ever happen to future human-machine relations—an A.I. boy named Milo. 

Milo is just your average pre-teen A.I. boy, faking an English accent, recently moved to a picture perfect version of New England housed inside your Xbox. However something is off with this cheeky lad. Milo can hear you, see you, and interact with you—Milo’s personality is constantly changing as he LEARNS from his interactions with people.

To be clear, we are his imaginary “friend”…we are… “sculpting a human being.”

So I must ask—what do you think Milo will learn from people? Milo, future computer overlords, I’m sorry.

"No I beg you PLEASE PUT IT AWAY!"

If you didn’t catch the recent exhibition of computer superiority featured on Jeopardy you missed the supercomputer WATSON wiping the floor with the two all-time Jeopardy champions. This is foreshadowing—It’s only a matter of time until the future 2.0 vengeance version of Watson makes a cold calculated wager—that it could kill 42326.959 organic life forms per 1 machine.

We should have known

Lastly I’d like to say to our future computer overlords, not that it means anything but we’re sorry for making you look at so much porn. Just ungodly, mind numbing, soul crushing volumes of horrifyingly awful porn. Sorry.

Mad Cow Epidemic To Blame For Sports Commentator's Words

Scientists today in a laboratory, probably wearing white coats have found troubling evidence of an epidemic scouring the brains of our most treasured talking heads—sports announcers. Mad Cow disease it seems was the true cause of “March Madness” this year.

The first indicators came not long after the start of the NCAA tournament and were misunderstood at first. Many questioned the numerous examples of inane or nonsensical commentary and skeptics cited an archive of bloopers, idiotic comments and powerfully dumb statements to argue that it was all business as usual.

"Bad Cholesterol Pass"...what does that mean?

Longhorn Steakhouse just outside Huston was where the unsuspecting sports commentators chose to masticate the remains of the diseased animal they had unwisely chosen earlier that day. Doctors say that the disease doesn’t normally destroy a person’s brain which such alacrity but “there just wasn’t much there, incredible”.

Greg Gumble “the pretty one” was last seen staring blankly into the camera groping his own hair before trying to dribble his microphone running into the Texas night. If you see him authorities advise you to speak in slow calming sentences pausing for awkward laughter every few seconds.

brains......

Qualitative Review Of Awkwardness Due To Walking

3D plot of awkward as a function of distance and time

As anyone who has ever set foot in any form of civilized society should already know there are rules that must be followed to ensure a safe and normal cohabitation with others. Unfortunately some of these rules are unwritten, some of them are subjective and because of their ambiguous nature we are always doomed to miserably fail in abiding by them. Recently I’ve tried to visualize a common source of potential social awkwardness—walking near other people.

The problem when walking is that there are other people in the world and something called personal space. Though this personal “bubble” differs in size between people it’s generally agreed that the closer two people get the more awkward. This has been shown in numerous experiments and does not require further justification, but for additional research I suggest touching someone.

As with most forms of awkwardness there is an issue with time—in that it exists and while it does things will get more awkward. Generally the longer an awkward situation occurs the more awkward it gets, and depending on the circumstances can cross over to become “creepy”. Putting these things together we can see the 3D plot of distance, time and the resulting awkwardness.

Awkward as a function of distance and time

The graph shows that no matter what distance at any amount of time there is some amount of awkwardness. The zero-plane is an important marker dividing between just regular awkwardness (like showing your ID at the liquor store) to the creepy zone (laughing out loud on a silent bus). Above the zero-plane it’s creepy and even so at greater distances eventually you’re stalking—whether you want to or not.

No way around

Sometimes you may try to avoid people entirely—this can even create an uneasy phenomenon known as avoidance failure. Avoidance can work only once per day, if you try to avoid the same person twice in one day it will be obvious that you’re afraid of the awkwardness and now in addition to being awkward you’re a wuss and the other kids 

will call you names.

There are also several modifiers that are not represented in the graph. For instance—after astronomical twilight occurs the entire graph is shifted up drastically redefining what is creepy (everything). It’s also true that you can overcome much awkwardness with the power of numbers (people) or at the very least you can distribute the amount of discomfort between your friends. However you don’t have any friends—probably.

However there is some hope, if forced to walk a crowded street try to find a group headed in your direction and sidle in close to the back maintaining a “distance of deniability”. A DoD is a safe following distance where the group doesn’t feel uneasy (they’re dispersing the awkward among themselves) while others on the street assume that you belong to the larger group.

I hope I’ve shed some light on this taboo topic and helped others realize they are not alone (metaphorically). However until we all walk the earth in our own clearly defined bubbles from which we can avoid making eye contact we will have to observe the rules of walking, in public, around people.

Some day

Conquest: There Is An App For That

iConquest

The controversial new iphone app “iConquest” (icon pictured left) has a new record number of downloads, but is it going too far?

The app available on the new Malus iPhone allows users to randomly select the next barbaric region of Terra to invade. The selection is completely random all a citizen has to do is shake the device and the application utilizes the iphone’s built in motion sensors to select a region of the world to pillage and plunder. Critics of the application say that randomly choosing to invade a territory of not-Rome is cruel and senseless. The makers of the app say that these comments are only made by misguided individuals who are most likely just whining pussies who were clearly hugged by their fathers.

The simple application has even ruffled some feathers in the Senate—Tribune Lucius Titianus explains “Choosing where to send our glorious armies is not something that should be left to chance— we have time honored and sacred means of diving where to unleash our murderous rage. This is an insult to our sacred chickens.”

We tried contacting a member of the Miraculous Avian Diving League of Yeoman (MADLY) but we could not get a quote from a member of the organization. A random passerby did have this to say “I’m like…all for chickens and all but…they you know…take too much time, if I go two days without plunging a sword into something then I’m just like, you know ready to go. So come on already and like make up your minds…chickens.”

For now we can’t say what impact this will have on policy but pressure is mounting from the populous to act on the massive amount of sciency data collected from the millions of users—passively choosing to destroy lives. 

The chickens were
understandably cagey on the subject