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21st Century Problems

The Self Absorbed Asshole's Guide To Buying A Cellphone

So your cellphone broke? Maybe you dropped it in some water—maybe you threw it, casually assaulting a colleague. Maybe you just don’t think your personality is appropriately reflected by your cell phone anymore—because you are a raging asshole.

Being a self-obsessed asshole there are so many options when it comes to replacing your cellphone. What carrier best enhances you to share your anti-social tendencies with your nest of friends? Which phone will look best when impressing all the people I’m ignoring at a party. Which phone will help me be a better stalker?

Being inundated with cellphone advertisements you might become uncharacteristically sure of yourself so let me help you...

Ideal for a stalker: Virgin Mobile

Ideal for sociopath: Sprint Mobile

Are you more of a mainstream asshole? Using your charms (and phone) to seduce, use and never see women again? Boost Mobile has a phone for you!

Are you the competitive mid-lifer suburban asshole whose sole purpose is one upping his neighbor?

Sprint has you covered:

Still have friends? Need to have your friends know how better you are than them?

Try AT&T:

There are many different models, megapixels, 3G or 4G but honestly we know the only thing that matters is that it’s newer and makes you feel more important than the friends you seem to hate so much.

For the elitist asshole there is only one choice, and you know it.

Siri will always think you're cool

State Legislature to Debate 2nd Amendment Rights of Unborn Persons

Today the Texas House of Representatives kick started what is sure to be a heated and contentious battle over the Second Amendment rights of unborn persons. Assemblyman Jeff Richards (R) brought before the state assembly a bill which would formally protect “unborn person” with the right to bear arms. Assemblyman Richards says the developmental lack of an appendage with which to bear a deadly weapon is no reason not to push for this bill. Democrats in the assembly aware that it's an election year are attempting to amend the bill with requirements for a one trimester waiting period, and for the mother to register as having a concealed weapon.

Neglect later

Some more conservative members of the legislature have argued that any attempt to impose a waiting period on an unborn person is an unnecessary and potentially dangerous provision which infringes on the liberties of the unborn person. Eight term assemblyman Michael Butler (R) said quote “We have to arm our fetuses, the womb we all know is a dangerous place, and it’s the first battle ground. An unborn person can expect to daily defend themselves against parasitic twins, Mozart, and their mother’s immune system.”

You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold unborn fingers

Similar stories from state houses all around the country have been inciting a fury of considerable female backlash. Women's groups protesting outside of state houses across the nation are infuriated that they would be legally required to carry a deadly weapon inside of them. Since the redefinition of fetuses by these states as unborn persons legislatures have had their hands full codifying their constitutional rights to own weapons, and not gay marry. The courts too have been hard at work setting new precedents. Only two weeks ago the now landmark case of (unborn person John Doe  v. State) the 25 week old boy (whose name has yet to be released to the press by his mother) was found guilty for murder of his would be twin at a trial held just after his mother’s second sonogram. He’s been sentenced to two consecutive life sentences, as is his mother who is considered an accessory to the crime.

Intelligently designed, to KILL

"History" Made Everyday

This day in history, March 14, 2012 a desperate Alaskan gold mining-ice trucker Ken Derc sold his own partially denuded hand to the famous Pawn Stars of Las Vegas—which he lost on an ambitious expedition to uncover the alien mystery behind the elusive Big Foot haunting the swamps of Florida. The hand was found to be a rubber chicken after experts were called in to verify its authenticity.

History Made Everyday

Camera crews caught this desperation live, and eyewitnesses reported that the authenticity of the hand came under question when it was found that Mr. Derc was wearing a shirt with an extra-long sleeve. Long time store owner “The Old Man” had this to say “I knew this deal smelled funny when I saw that he had both hands <gumble-grumble something inaudible > being in this business a long time I’ve got a pretty good sense for when someone is trying to get one by you. <geriatric breathing sounds>”

When asked if it was common for people to try and sell their own severed limbs or organs human sloth and Pawn Star celebrity Chumlee had this to say “We got some people…they have stuff, and need money, we like money.”

"History" Made Everyday

Ken Derc might have been a desperate customer, but he wasn’t the only one in the store on this day. Several priceless pieces of Americana were pawned today by hungry, broken down customers looking to sell their families unique heirlooms to make ends meet. Even several members from the cast of the all too popular show Gold Rush came through their doors. Producers of the two shows were ecstatic to see the synergy they created by the filming of desperate families with no mining experience at all setting out to strike it rich in the harsh Alaskan wilderness combined with the cold reality of trying to pay off debts by selling everything you own at a Pawn Shop. One was quoted saying “If only reality television existed during the Great Depression, then we’d really have a show, and an audience.”

"History" "Made" "Everyday"

To the critics of the History Channel who say the network is almost entirely devoid of historical content and instead nothing but a lineup of shows featuring the exploitation of down on their luck people who lack any experience trying to make a buck in dangerous jobs they responded with:

“We here at the History Channel are devoted to providing quality entertainment and education to millions around the world. Where ever there’s someone who thinks they may have possibly seen a ghost, alien, or monster— we’ll be there. Where ever there’s a redneck about to do something unnerving after drinking a six of Natty-Ice   —we’ll be there. And whenever someone believes they know how the world is going to come to the end—we’ll be there, with a camera, microphone, our CGI department and other “experts” to back them up.”

"Expert"

Tonight don’t miss the premier of “Only In America” hosted by:
Larry The Cable Guy.

Seriously