"History" Made Everyday

This day in history, March 14, 2012 a desperate Alaskan gold mining-ice trucker Ken Derc sold his own partially denuded hand to the famous Pawn Stars of Las Vegas—which he lost on an ambitious expedition to uncover the alien mystery behind the elusive Big Foot haunting the swamps of Florida. The hand was found to be a rubber chicken after experts were called in to verify its authenticity.

History Made Everyday

Camera crews caught this desperation live, and eyewitnesses reported that the authenticity of the hand came under question when it was found that Mr. Derc was wearing a shirt with an extra-long sleeve. Long time store owner “The Old Man” had this to say “I knew this deal smelled funny when I saw that he had both hands <gumble-grumble something inaudible > being in this business a long time I’ve got a pretty good sense for when someone is trying to get one by you. <geriatric breathing sounds>”

When asked if it was common for people to try and sell their own severed limbs or organs human sloth and Pawn Star celebrity Chumlee had this to say “We got some people…they have stuff, and need money, we like money.”

"History" Made Everyday

Ken Derc might have been a desperate customer, but he wasn’t the only one in the store on this day. Several priceless pieces of Americana were pawned today by hungry, broken down customers looking to sell their families unique heirlooms to make ends meet. Even several members from the cast of the all too popular show Gold Rush came through their doors. Producers of the two shows were ecstatic to see the synergy they created by the filming of desperate families with no mining experience at all setting out to strike it rich in the harsh Alaskan wilderness combined with the cold reality of trying to pay off debts by selling everything you own at a Pawn Shop. One was quoted saying “If only reality television existed during the Great Depression, then we’d really have a show, and an audience.”

"History" "Made" "Everyday"

To the critics of the History Channel who say the network is almost entirely devoid of historical content and instead nothing but a lineup of shows featuring the exploitation of down on their luck people who lack any experience trying to make a buck in dangerous jobs they responded with:

“We here at the History Channel are devoted to providing quality entertainment and education to millions around the world. Where ever there’s someone who thinks they may have possibly seen a ghost, alien, or monster— we’ll be there. Where ever there’s a redneck about to do something unnerving after drinking a six of Natty-Ice   —we’ll be there. And whenever someone believes they know how the world is going to come to the end—we’ll be there, with a camera, microphone, our CGI department and other “experts” to back them up.”

"Expert"

Tonight don’t miss the premier of “Only In America” hosted by:
Larry The Cable Guy.

Seriously