The Self Absorbed Asshole's Guide To Buying A Cellphone

So your cellphone broke? Maybe you dropped it in some water—maybe you threw it, casually assaulting a colleague. Maybe you just don’t think your personality is appropriately reflected by your cell phone anymore—because you are a raging asshole.

Being a self-obsessed asshole there are so many options when it comes to replacing your cellphone. What carrier best enhances you to share your anti-social tendencies with your nest of friends? Which phone will look best when impressing all the people I’m ignoring at a party. Which phone will help me be a better stalker?

Being inundated with cellphone advertisements you might become uncharacteristically sure of yourself so let me help you...

Ideal for a stalker: Virgin Mobile

Ideal for sociopath: Sprint Mobile

Are you more of a mainstream asshole? Using your charms (and phone) to seduce, use and never see women again? Boost Mobile has a phone for you!

Are you the competitive mid-lifer suburban asshole whose sole purpose is one upping his neighbor?

Sprint has you covered:

Still have friends? Need to have your friends know how better you are than them?

Try AT&T:

There are many different models, megapixels, 3G or 4G but honestly we know the only thing that matters is that it’s newer and makes you feel more important than the friends you seem to hate so much.

For the elitist asshole there is only one choice, and you know it.

Siri will always think you're cool