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21st Century Problems

The Self Absorbed Asshole's Guide To Buying A Cellphone

So your cellphone broke? Maybe you dropped it in some water—maybe you threw it, casually assaulting a colleague. Maybe you just don’t think your personality is appropriately reflected by your cell phone anymore—because you are a raging asshole.

Being a self-obsessed asshole there are so many options when it comes to replacing your cellphone. What carrier best enhances you to share your anti-social tendencies with your nest of friends? Which phone will look best when impressing all the people I’m ignoring at a party. Which phone will help me be a better stalker?

Being inundated with cellphone advertisements you might become uncharacteristically sure of yourself so let me help you...

Ideal for a stalker: Virgin Mobile

Ideal for sociopath: Sprint Mobile

Are you more of a mainstream asshole? Using your charms (and phone) to seduce, use and never see women again? Boost Mobile has a phone for you!

Are you the competitive mid-lifer suburban asshole whose sole purpose is one upping his neighbor?

Sprint has you covered:

Still have friends? Need to have your friends know how better you are than them?

Try AT&T:

There are many different models, megapixels, 3G or 4G but honestly we know the only thing that matters is that it’s newer and makes you feel more important than the friends you seem to hate so much.

For the elitist asshole there is only one choice, and you know it.

Siri will always think you're cool

State Legislature to Debate 2nd Amendment Rights of Unborn Persons

Today the Texas House of Representatives kick started what is sure to be a heated and contentious battle over the Second Amendment rights of unborn persons. Assemblyman Jeff Richards (R) brought before the state assembly a bill which would formally protect “unborn person” with the right to bear arms. Assemblyman Richards says the developmental lack of an appendage with which to bear a deadly weapon is no reason not to push for this bill. Democrats in the assembly aware that it's an election year are attempting to amend the bill with requirements for a one trimester waiting period, and for the mother to register as having a concealed weapon.

Neglect later

Some more conservative members of the legislature have argued that any attempt to impose a waiting period on an unborn person is an unnecessary and potentially dangerous provision which infringes on the liberties of the unborn person. Eight term assemblyman Michael Butler (R) said quote “We have to arm our fetuses, the womb we all know is a dangerous place, and it’s the first battle ground. An unborn person can expect to daily defend themselves against parasitic twins, Mozart, and their mother’s immune system.”

You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold unborn fingers

Similar stories from state houses all around the country have been inciting a fury of considerable female backlash. Women's groups protesting outside of state houses across the nation are infuriated that they would be legally required to carry a deadly weapon inside of them. Since the redefinition of fetuses by these states as unborn persons legislatures have had their hands full codifying their constitutional rights to own weapons, and not gay marry. The courts too have been hard at work setting new precedents. Only two weeks ago the now landmark case of (unborn person John Doe  v. State) the 25 week old boy (whose name has yet to be released to the press by his mother) was found guilty for murder of his would be twin at a trial held just after his mother’s second sonogram. He’s been sentenced to two consecutive life sentences, as is his mother who is considered an accessory to the crime.

Intelligently designed, to KILL

"History" Made Everyday

This day in history, March 14, 2012 a desperate Alaskan gold mining-ice trucker Ken Derc sold his own partially denuded hand to the famous Pawn Stars of Las Vegas—which he lost on an ambitious expedition to uncover the alien mystery behind the elusive Big Foot haunting the swamps of Florida. The hand was found to be a rubber chicken after experts were called in to verify its authenticity.

History Made Everyday

Camera crews caught this desperation live, and eyewitnesses reported that the authenticity of the hand came under question when it was found that Mr. Derc was wearing a shirt with an extra-long sleeve. Long time store owner “The Old Man” had this to say “I knew this deal smelled funny when I saw that he had both hands <gumble-grumble something inaudible > being in this business a long time I’ve got a pretty good sense for when someone is trying to get one by you. <geriatric breathing sounds>”

When asked if it was common for people to try and sell their own severed limbs or organs human sloth and Pawn Star celebrity Chumlee had this to say “We got some people…they have stuff, and need money, we like money.”

"History" Made Everyday

Ken Derc might have been a desperate customer, but he wasn’t the only one in the store on this day. Several priceless pieces of Americana were pawned today by hungry, broken down customers looking to sell their families unique heirlooms to make ends meet. Even several members from the cast of the all too popular show Gold Rush came through their doors. Producers of the two shows were ecstatic to see the synergy they created by the filming of desperate families with no mining experience at all setting out to strike it rich in the harsh Alaskan wilderness combined with the cold reality of trying to pay off debts by selling everything you own at a Pawn Shop. One was quoted saying “If only reality television existed during the Great Depression, then we’d really have a show, and an audience.”

"History" "Made" "Everyday"

To the critics of the History Channel who say the network is almost entirely devoid of historical content and instead nothing but a lineup of shows featuring the exploitation of down on their luck people who lack any experience trying to make a buck in dangerous jobs they responded with:

“We here at the History Channel are devoted to providing quality entertainment and education to millions around the world. Where ever there’s someone who thinks they may have possibly seen a ghost, alien, or monster— we’ll be there. Where ever there’s a redneck about to do something unnerving after drinking a six of Natty-Ice   —we’ll be there. And whenever someone believes they know how the world is going to come to the end—we’ll be there, with a camera, microphone, our CGI department and other “experts” to back them up.”

"Expert"

Tonight don’t miss the premier of “Only In America” hosted by:
Larry The Cable Guy.

Seriously

Relationships Explained - Mathematically

"Measure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not so" - Galileo 

Meters, seconds, kilograms, feet, pounds, and love. How can you measure emotions? The bonds that develop between two people, loyalty, hatred and many other mathematically meaningless words stump scientists everyday, but ponder no more! Today scientists are closer then ever to unraveling the secrets of human emotions  in the hopes that one day robots will understand love by translating it into their very own cold logic!

Can't believe they haven't put that on a postcard yet...

In the above equation you see that the strength of any relationship "S" is approximately related to the sum of each individual interaction. Each interaction is described by an amount of time "t" and the vector Q for quality. The ((quality) (time)) measurement made in the numerator is then divided by the value of the distance vector d. The quality vector is comprised of three components (Intentions, Execution, Originality) which together form an orthonormal basis set. The distance vector is likewise a basis set but with a complex component with taking a geographical component and an imaginary emotional component together. 

Quality Vector

Distance Vector

The distance vector d is comprised of two components the physical or geographical component which measures the actual distance and the imaginary component which is the perceived or "emotional distance". The emotional distance can be expressed as a difference between an expected value derived from the overall quality vector, and the value of the quality vector itself.

Emotional Component of distance is the difference between expected quality and actual quality squared

The expected quality Q in the emotional component of the distance vector is the average value of Q in all previous iterations multiplied by the difference squared of the highest and lowest quality values.

Should have ordered out

Putting this all together it's easy for the reader to obviously see why though they had good intentions (positive axis) the originality and burning down the house did not go well for the above interaction. The poor execution left such a bad impression it will likely drag the overall expected quality down for future iterations. 

But now we can KNOW!

A Welcome Aboard The USS Enterprise by Counselor Dianna Troi

Premise: When I was younger and I watched Star Trek, I always thought Troi was sort of like the bullshit member of the crew who "sensed" that the guy gushing blood was in pain, the member of the team who had enough knowledge to almost be useful. As I began re-watching Next Generation I started to gain more respect for her role as ship's counselor as I watched the crew episode after episode remain well adjusted as their ship takes first position in a parade of horrifying, scarring, nightmares. She must be the busiest person on the ship.

Welcome aboard the USS Enterprise the newest flagship of the United Federation of Planets! You and your trusting family are soon to embark on an adventure unlike any other. The noble search for knowledge and understanding will take you to uncharted areas of the universe and the human consciousness—I’m Dianna Troi and I’m here to guide you on your journey as Ship’s Counselor.

Eyes up...

   

During the course of your mission you and your unwitting family (which includes children) will most likely experience being possessed by various energy based life forms, aliens, computers and computer-aliens. You will be exposed to unknown bacteria and diseases. Attacked by various aliens of god like technological superiority, frozen in time, disappear from existence, revert to childhood, become the undead and endure lengthy lectures from Whoopi Goldberg.


(In some rare instances crew members and their families have experienced living their worst nightmares.)

This is not your nightmare

Remember before you schedule an appointment for counseling there are a few simple questions you should ask yourself to help in determining the necessity of your visit:


1. On a scale of 1 - 10 how severe are my night terrors?


2. When you look in the mirror do you see yourself as a corpse in an  alternate reality?


3. When you do dream, do I wake up in the airlock?


4. Would you say your grasp on reality is:
     a. Very Hard
     b. Hard
     c. Fading
     d. Completely Gone


5. Have you lost control of more than half of your body?


Remember the great quote by United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt "The only thing to fear, is fear itself". However if you're still kept awake at night due to anxiety from living in constant fear  from traveling through the infinite black abyss—Feel free to schedule an appointment, but remember there is currently a three week waiting list and preferential treatment to bridge officers.  

Stay informed with special messages from our Captain!

"You don't need eyes to see where you're going"

Independence Day

The Fourth of July comes again—surprised? I thought you might be, what with the threat of Rapture, earthquakes, nuclear fallout, Michelle Bachmann, economic disaster, world anarchy and Florida. So that booming sound you heard tonight from your underground shelter with a three years supply of food, water and pornography was only the sound of proud Americans celebrating the 4^th of July. Perhaps you came to the surface, just to see for yourself—the violent mobs tearing themselves apart fighting over the last can of refried beans from the gas station down the road. Only to find that the sounds of crying children, explosives and smells of burning flesh wafting through the thick summer air was only your town’s fireworks display.

To be fair you already had the porn

Now that you’ve wiped the tears of joy from your eyes the heavy feeling in your stomach reminds you that you now need to rejoin society—somehow. I want to be the first one to tell you, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it! Hey things were looking bad you couldn’t turn on the news for more than a minute before you had a sudden desire to stockpile food and water for the harsh post-apocalyptic hell scape awaiting the survivors of the radioactive-earth quake-communist-Islamic-whatever Glen Beck was talking about-world.

You will be sorely missed

Your fear turns to rage as you remember all those nights secretly digging in your back yard, carefully disguising your homemade apocalypse shelter by erecting a greenhouse over it. The hours melted away as you painstakingly removed the dirt and clay for the foundations—the arthritis you acquired while tending to your lilies in the dark of night…Who is to blame?

The news, politicians, religious fanatics, religious politicians, and political news—you trusted them. Amateur mistake. To reintegrate with society you’re going to needs an excuse, a damn good one. There are lots of reasons why someone would go missing for a month! Coma, last minute Caribbean cruise, heroin, alien abduction, or time travel—personally I believe time travel is the winner. Heroin requires pricking yourself until your track marks show, the cruise requires a tan, you’ve already used the alien abduction excuse before and everyone knows that a coma would cause your muscles to atrophy. TIME TRAVEL—that’s the ticket, always go forward in time.

Thanks to chaos theory, and parallel universes you can’t possibly be expected to predict to your friends and family what will happen accurately. Your very existence in the present with knowledge of the future changes that very future. That being said you should still be unnecessarily specific with the details of your adventure—while remaining vague on the how. Keep Doc Brown or any mention of DeLoreans and flux capacitors out of the conversation. You saw a light and poof! You fell into a gap in space-time and something impossible to duplicate.

For instance "phone booth"

Now for the details—you want to be specific but also don’t try to actually predict what will actually happen. The more impossible sounding the better. As Hitler said “The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.” You need to make the future sound like Dr. Seuss’ acid trip. Naturally your friends and family will assume that you yourself have been eating shrooms for breakfast.

This or you tell them what you've been doing all by yourself (see figure 1)

That’s when you give them the whopper, the bow on top that ties it all together. On top of all the other trippy shit you’ve been saying you need to confirm all their fears, your fears and everything you ever heard on AM radio at 2 in the morning while digging your bunker.

They’ll believe you. They’ll believe you because like you they’ve been bombarded by pessimism on every channel and like you are really only a Jersey Shore marathon away from building their own bunkers. Tell them your truth, tell them that you’ve been stuck in an apocalyptic future, don’t leave out the refried beans the cannibalism, or Florida. Don’t be surprised when your friends start night gardening themselves.

Apocalypse NOW