A Welcome Aboard The USS Enterprise by Counselor Dianna Troi

Premise: When I was younger and I watched Star Trek, I always thought Troi was sort of like the bullshit member of the crew who "sensed" that the guy gushing blood was in pain, the member of the team who had enough knowledge to almost be useful. As I began re-watching Next Generation I started to gain more respect for her role as ship's counselor as I watched the crew episode after episode remain well adjusted as their ship takes first position in a parade of horrifying, scarring, nightmares. She must be the busiest person on the ship.

Welcome aboard the USS Enterprise the newest flagship of the United Federation of Planets! You and your trusting family are soon to embark on an adventure unlike any other. The noble search for knowledge and understanding will take you to uncharted areas of the universe and the human consciousness—I’m Dianna Troi and I’m here to guide you on your journey as Ship’s Counselor.

Eyes up...

   

During the course of your mission you and your unwitting family (which includes children) will most likely experience being possessed by various energy based life forms, aliens, computers and computer-aliens. You will be exposed to unknown bacteria and diseases. Attacked by various aliens of god like technological superiority, frozen in time, disappear from existence, revert to childhood, become the undead and endure lengthy lectures from Whoopi Goldberg.


(In some rare instances crew members and their families have experienced living their worst nightmares.)

This is not your nightmare

Remember before you schedule an appointment for counseling there are a few simple questions you should ask yourself to help in determining the necessity of your visit:


1. On a scale of 1 - 10 how severe are my night terrors?


2. When you look in the mirror do you see yourself as a corpse in an  alternate reality?


3. When you do dream, do I wake up in the airlock?


4. Would you say your grasp on reality is:
     a. Very Hard
     b. Hard
     c. Fading
     d. Completely Gone


5. Have you lost control of more than half of your body?


Remember the great quote by United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt "The only thing to fear, is fear itself". However if you're still kept awake at night due to anxiety from living in constant fear  from traveling through the infinite black abyss—Feel free to schedule an appointment, but remember there is currently a three week waiting list and preferential treatment to bridge officers.  

Stay informed with special messages from our Captain!

"You don't need eyes to see where you're going"